Groucho Marx

A page FULL of Groucho Marx one liners -Well - mostly

I'd never join a club that would accept me as a member.

" Blood's not thicker than money. "   ( Double Dynamite )

" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "   ( A Day at the Races ).

" Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
 probably more than she ever did. "    ( Duck Soup ).

" I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. "

"Room service? Send up a larger room" 

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana." 

Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Gr: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. S: Well, I love my husband.
Gr: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
 

Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;  inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

" The Marx Brothers produced a film called 'A Night in Casablanca.'
 Warner Brothers sent Groucho a memo saying that they owned the
 rights to the name "Casablanca," and they would sue him for
 infringement.  Groucho promptly fired back with a memo that the Marx Brothers had  been "brothers" longer than Warner Brothers, and they were countersuing for infringement..." -- Andrew Roazen

 Lydia oh Lydia oh have you met Lydia
 Lydia the Tattooed Lady
 She's got eyes that men adore so
 And a torso even more so..... 

 Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
 

 "A man's only as old as the woman he feels." 

 " I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;
 inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. " 

 When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
 just whispering in her mouth".

" Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an
 institution? "

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
 mouth shut and his check book open."

Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

" Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds
 me more of you than you do!" 

"We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. We're going back next year."

 " I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
 exception. "
 
"The months before my son was born,
 I used to yell from night to morn,
 'Whatever it is, I'm against it!
 No matter what it is or who commenced it,
 I'm against it!' "
  - Groucho (in song) from "Horsefeathers"

"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If
he says 'yes', you know he is crooked."

" Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. "

" Time wounds all heels."

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book." 

"Military intelligence. Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"

"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

" Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?  He used to live in whales for a while."

" Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. "

"I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much
 more popular had there been a universal pronunciation of his name."

"Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff.
 If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you
 can't find that, you can leave in a taxi."

"Last night I shot an elephant in my Pyjamas and how he got in my
 pyjamas I'll never know."

Groucho was informed that he would not be allowed to go in the
swimming pool at a private club because it did not admit Jews.
"Well, my son is half Jewish," he responded, "Can he go in up to his
waist?"

"I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection."

Woman: Will you...join me?

Groucho: Why, are you coming apart?

Groucho: You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to
pieces?

Groucho: Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only
have to bury them again!

Groucho: I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head
with it.

Groucho: Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard while the
lights are against you?

Groucho: The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will ya?

Woman: Captain, this leaves me speechless!
Groucho: Well, see that you remain that way.

Groucho: You've got the brain of a four- year- old boy, and I'll bet he
was glad to get rid of it.

Groucho: You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss
either.

Groucho: Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Groucho: Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Groucho: With a little study, you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd
start now.